Just Suck it Up and Move On

Those were words my wise husband spoke to me last week. Although they made me upset at the time, they were exactly what I needed to hear. My emotional roller coaster, which I like to blame on pregnancy hormones and lack of sleep, has been a long reactionary ride over the past month. I've been more feisty than normal, which my poor activities team has been witness to, but more importantly, I haven't been living my life happily. In fact, I was miserable.

Why? I am losing Student Honor, which is a program and purpose I am deeply passionate about and committed to. I love it. I love the impact the work can have on individual student lives. I love the principles of the program, and I love the opportunities for creativity and change that I have been able to experience through my work there. Most of all, I love my team. Each one of them has enriched my life and I've enjoyed getting to know them. However, I knew when I volunteered for the assignment that it was supposed to be temporary, and after 1.5 years this pregnancy was the catalyst for a needed change. Truth be told, two areas, particularly these two areas, has been a heavier burden than I've wanted to admit. The fact is that although I believe the Lord has helped me have the capacity to fulfill my roles over the past years, the time had come to simplify and be able to refocus on the coming child. I couldn't do that with both areas, and so Nate and Neal wisely made plans to relieve me. I was heart broken, and probably handled it poorly, even though I would have made the same decision in their shoes. But, at times like these sometimes what we know doesn't make as much noise as what we feel, and I was feeling so sad and dejected, and disappointed with the fact that I couldn't do it all. So after Nate told me the timeline had moved up and the change would happen even sooner than I expected, my teary sobs to Jonathan resulted in his statement: "Suck it up and move on."

The shock of his words when I expected validation stopped me in my tracks, and after recovering I realized the path I had been on. Rather than responding with cheer and acceptance and seeking the Lord's comfort, I was behaving childishly and throwing my own version of a temper tantrum. Everything changed for me then. I immediately prayed for forgiveness, and suddenly I was excited for the change. Although I am still sad to lose Student Honor, I am also very grateful that this program I love is going to have someone committed to it and nothing else, no other distractions. It, and my students, deserve that and I haven't been able to give it to them. I am excited for Val, who will be taking my place, because of the experience SHE is going to have and I pray she will be equally inspired by the opportunity as I have been. I am excited that my typical 60 hour work week will get back to a normal 40-50, so I can be with my family and focus on my roles as wife and mother. I am grateful for a boss who has patiently helped me through this inner conflict and made tough decisions knowing it would be hard for me but better in the long run. I am very grateful for my husband, who was there for me when I needed him to be in just the right way. I am excited for my Activities team, because I will have the time to serve them better. And I am grateful for moments like these that help us understand our Savior's love for us and patience with us.

So here I go. I am moving on!